Spending: Day 2

Let me just tell you something really quick...this month already stinks.

I feel guilty for saying that, but I guess that's why we're doing this whole crazy experiment in the first place....to train my brain to live with less and be disgustingly happy about it.

It's been two days, and it stinks.

Richie realized yesterday that Red Box is off limits for 31 whole days and he tried desperately to explain to me that Red Box was NOT, in fact, off limits because there is a Red Box location on the premises of Shop Rite...one of our designated vendors for the month. I explained to him that when you use your credit card it shows up as Red Box and not Shop Rite, so therefore it was not allowed, and that ended things. But not before he stuck his tongue out at me and walked away grumbling about having nothing to do on a Saturday night. Oh man, did we ever need this.

There's been about 15 times so far that I have caught myself thinking "Maybe we can pick that up over the weekend" only to realize, no, sadly, we cannot. It's very frustrating.

I think I'm realizing more and more that spending isn't just about the money you actually spend. Yes it's terrible to waste money, especially when that money could be going towards things that are much more worthwhile. Yes it's a shame that we throw our good fortune back in God's face when we say that we need more after He's already provided for our every need. But it's not just about the waste and excess spending in terms of how they affect our wallets and our attitudes. It's about how they define the very people that we are.

Think about it, if you spend all your money on clothes and shoes, it's pretty safe to say you like clothes and shoes right? If you spend all your money on cigarettes and alcohol, it's a pretty safe bet that those things are important to you. Even if you spend every last penny on clothes or toys for your kids, then it is evident that those things are a priority in your life. It may even be a mix of things that you spend your extra dollars on. I can tell you that for our family, we spend a lot of our extra money on entertainment, whether it be movies, eating out, or just browsing through Wal Mart buying whatever it is our hearts' desire.

Now none of those things are necessarily bad in and of themselves (except smoking and drinking, so not worth it) but truly examine your motives for wanting these things. What drives you to spend your last penny on something you know deep down that you don't really need. Is it for show? To show people that you're well-off? Is it to give you or your family something that you were denied growing up? Is it just an impulse? You don't really know why you need this, you just know that you do? These are some of the things I think about when I try and dissect where all my money went at the end of each month. Why did I buy this stuff in the first place? What do all these things say about me anyway?

It's complicated, that's for sure. There could be a million reasons as to why we spend like we do and some of them may  be totally selfless while some may be completely self motivated. The hardest part here is being honest with yourself and determining which is which.

Let me give you an example. Growing up, my mom had THE best holidays. She was so creative and always knew exactly what to do to make a holiday memorable. The food, the traditions, the gifts...oh man the gifts! We (my brother and I) got gifts for every holiday it seemed and they were all wonderful and thoughtful and perfect. Christmas morning was insane at our house. Stockings that were overflowing and so many presents under the tree that we ran out of tree space half the time. It was glorious. As a kid, I couldn't have asked for more. And we all know kids can ALWAYS ask for more!

I remember one year in particular, after opening all my gifts, I went over to my friend's house who lived only two houses away. After taking a few minutes to show her all the cool stuff I had just unwrapped, she showed me her presents. And I was shocked! She probably had 1/6 of the amount of stuff I had! She had some great stuff too, but the amount is what shocked me. Didn't everyone have twenty or thirty presents under the tree?

And the fact is, no, they don't. And I didn't know that until much later. So now that I have three kids of my own to provide Christmas presents for, it's hard for me to scale down from what I'm used to receiving. Is there anything wrong with having that many gifts under the tree? Probably not, if you can afford it. But what is the point? Should our kids be just as happy and satisfied with three presents under the tree as they would be with thirty? Let's not even think about why we celebrate Christmas in the first place, let's just think about the stuff. We want to give the people we love the biggest and the best. And that's ok. My mom loved us so much and wanted our holidays to be special. And they definitely were! But what does it say about me when I feel guilty when I can only buy my kids 8 presents each plus a stocking full of goodies each year for Christmas?

It says that I am all wrapped up in the excess, the material things, the things that don't mean a thing to begin with.

For me, that's the root of my issue. I have a spending problem because I think that shopping will make my life better. I think that having this, whatever this is, will make me happier than I would be otherwise. I think that I deserve it, even when my bills are overdue. I think that buying 30 presents for each of my kids will make me a better mom. I think that I can skirt my responsibilities when it comes to living a life that pleases God, in my finances and otherwise, because I'm doing good enough. I could do better sure, but I'm better than that guy, so it's ok. I may not think these things exactly, but these are the things my actions portray. These are the things that seem to define me.

My friend had a wonderful Christmas with 1/6 the presents that I had. I had a glorious Christmas because I got 30 presents. Which Christmas better represents Christ I wonder?

I don't want to be defined by stuff. And I don't want to have a spending problem. I don't want to buy things to fill a void of my own making. I don't want my spending habits to proclaim to the world that I think my kids need everything to be happy, my closets aren't full enough, my vices are worth more than my virtues.

When people look at the way I spend money, I want them to see a woman who is satisfied with the basics. Who finds joy in the overabundance of love from her family, not the money in her wallet. Who thinks that she looks just as pretty wearing a tee from Target as she does wearing a dress from Banana Republic. Who wants her kids to grow up asking for more Jesus and less stuff. Who has a Christmas so centered around Christ, that presents barely register on Christmas morning. That is who I want to be.

I only get one chance at this life, why waste it on anything less than pleasing God? Clothing styles will come and go, my kids toys will break, but God's love is forever.

I think if I can get my mind in the right place, I can evaluate that extra purchase I want to make and ask myself...why do I need this? Sure, sometimes I'll want to spoil myself or the kids. I don't want to get to the point where I deny myself of EVERYTHING. But I hope that most of the time, I can put whatever it is back down and say..."...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Philippians 4:11

Content. I just want to be content with Jesus...